When I’m going by bike I somehow feel for a little while, distanced from the fears and the failure felt from inside (at least a big part inside). I just keep driving and have little breaks to drink and maybe sit down and think some hopefully calming thoughts and internally not smashing the sometimes labouriously set up pillars of sense or easing. At least for the drive I want to just drive away but I also need a comfortable home because I’m used to this privileged situation and in my daydreams I try to escape without losing the comfort and security to which I didn’t contribute anything in my life. I’m privileged but also without much hope that I will find something meaningful which I really/effectively can do in my state of mental illness and inconstancy.


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